Road to Happiness is Full of Potholes

Acquaintances often remark, “Joye, your name suits you well! You always so joyful.” After knowing me intimately enough, they will proceed to ask why... “Why is it so humorous?” “Why do you always laugh?” I’ll flash them a cheeky grin. “Your pants is undone!” I'll say. Nonetheless, the worse was once someone asked me something to this effect, “You keep smiling and laughing, you think there is no problem in this world, only happy happy only izzit?” I was stumped, unsure. I couldn’t answer him. I felt I should have sympathies more with those who are in anguish, those who are not as lucky as me, and I have no right to be so cheerful, so exultant. What if disaster strikes me suddenly? What if with an awful twist of fate I become one of them instead? Would I be happy again?

But...if he were to ask me this question today, right now, I would have answer, “Yes, I will be just as happy, simply because...I choose to.” You see, I realize there is no use worrying about what if’s, because God put me in this present circumstances for a purpose. God had provided adequately for me (yea, though I wish for more at times) and kept me surrounded with people whom I love, people who truly cares for me, and people who accepts me for what I am and not what I am not. There are always people who are worst off or better than me. It just depends how one make most of it. So isn’t it a shame not to fill the day God bless me with with sunshine and light?? =) As time had shown, nothing is permanent in this world and nobody is....forever. And laughing and spreading my happiness is the least I can do - to brighten their day, to show how much they matter to me and to show my appreciation for the time they spent with me.


I’m not always like that. And only now I find the courage to pen down and narrate what happen to me a year ago. I still laughed a lot then, but I was not happy. And laughter was my only defense to cover up the depress feeling within me. I was confused; lost~ unable to fathom why I couldn’t do things other members seem to do so effortlessly. Thus, I tried hard to become...someone I’m not. And it all had begun with this person whom I shall call lan. He was good friend and someone whom I admire much, for he is very pious and devotes much time to the Lord. For that reason, everything he did, and everything he preached, I attempted to follow as I know he sincerely sought to change me for the better. And I did change, at first. He encouraged me to read the bible and I came to know about Jesus more. I dutifully go to church twice a week, and I was into everything I thought is good or right. In short, I became a sort of a Pharisee. And it was emotionally exhausting. Gradually, he became more and more demanding - demanding for commitment I couldn’t meet, guilt tripping when I started shunning away. And slowly, I begin noticing faults within him and the committee. My heart was practically breaking into pieces when I saw him, a person whom I thought so highly of, did not practicing what he preached but degrading himself by making excuses and then justified himself in the name of the Lord. Though disappointed and saddened, I still continue to follow his way coz he seems so right. Just how could something so right be so wrong???? How how???

.

.

.

.

One day, someone (oops, I forgotten who are u, soli) prodded me:

Are you doing this for lan or for God?

This question hit me like a sledgehammer. What does doing this means to me? Am I doing all this because I wanted to..or because I had to? Talking to (who is that? 'fess up o, I want to thx u) made me conscious that most of the time I attended meetings and gatherings was because, weird to say, I was afraid of lan. I felt unhappy and empty all the while coz I was serving God with all the wrong motives with no purpose. I just couldn’t serve Him without faith. That was why I quitted CF. Naturally I was hurt and miserable throughout this incident. During this period when I was downhearted, help arise in form of friends like Deniece, Fwo Ye, Patrick and jOn who were there for me to bring me up to my feet once again (thx guys, =)...and of course, there was also Jesus’ gentle guiding to lead me through, to keep my faith when it’s gone. You see, turning away from CF doesn’t mean I am turning away from the Messiah. I discover that we each have our own cross to bear and all of us, every single unique being in this world, are destined to tread our path in different way. Yes, I still can’t speak in tongues, nor proclaim to the congregation the numerous miracles God had wrought in my life, or something as simple as saying a prayer out loud (I can’t say a prayer without getting tongue-tied and blushing like crazy, and perhaps I may never will...). But I feel in my heart and know, that God is preparing each of us in a special way, in our own unique manner, and whatever I turn out to be, it will be perfect in His eyes. And then, I'll be truly...

happy!!