Rainbow after the rain......

Somebody once told me when I was a newbie in Form 6: “Girls from PESS and boys from St. Gabriel always bring problems when they come to Cochrane.”

My initial reaction was, of course, outrage. “Oh yeah?!?” I spat while throttling him. “I show you what trouble I can cause..to you!!” Soon, he started to choke and died.

Actually that is not quite true. Just a wistful longing and mentally kicking myself for not doing it when I had the chance...Of course I’m doing the world a favor by ridding an irritating fellow. Curse him!! Why do people have this annoying tendency to jump into conclusion without even evaluating the situation beforehand?? But, as much as I loath to admit, Irritating Guy has a point...curse him more!!!!!!!... We Pess girls did kinda cause some hassles and juicy rumors to keep the rest of the form sixers happily occupied for weeks... particularly when one of my classmates who also originated from Pess, recently *ahem* with her *ahem*... Haih, why lar?? Izzit we being holed up in that moldy nunnery too long and discovering that we share the world with a different species called boys after we graduated proved to be too much for us??? Oh don’t get me wrong... I love my nunnery old school ~ great food, great environment, something which I find greatly lacking in Cochrane. But whenever I like tell anyone I was from Pess, they’ll go like, “Oh, so you are from a girls’ school!” It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they are thinking along these lines:

1. She is a lesbian.
2. If she is not, then she is desperate.

Oh for the love of-!!! I desperately wanna slap every one of ’em silly!!!!

But after passing the denial stage and thinking about it rationally, that statement isn’t entirely wrong... (I mean the desperate part only, not the lesbianism part... That however, is entirely wrong..!!)... I guess we are, at some point of our life, desperate - desperate for attention, desperate for approval, desperate for acceptance. Even I was desperate, during the time when my best friend dumped me to be with her latest boyfriend. I should have brought along a light bulb when once I made the mistake of joining them in their outing, and say, “Hey, lookie, I’m a...tiang lampu!!!” Ya ya I know, sour grape... But when I look back at all those years, desperate as I was, I must say I am quite glad I have waited. My desperation mirrored my immaturity, but I’ve grown up since and overcome it. I have grown to realize that while some lucky people are fortunate enough to find their soul-mates, most of us have to constantly keep searching with loads of faith and patience. And desperation, being one of the most dangerous feelings a single person can have, only serves to make us forget ourselves and our purpose of living.

Ironically, desperateness does not limit to people from one gender school only. Over the years, I have discovered that desperados vary in looks, style, intelligence, and personality. Being distinct female, which means we can easily sense hidden motives (deharhar), I can safely say that this is how Desperate Girl would behave: they treat any interaction with a male classmate, no matter how innocent, as if he is a potential partner. A simple question, like "What is for homework?" is met with a detailed description of the homework assignment, along with a knowing smile, and an assurance that if he need anything to “just let her know”. You might think she’s just being nice, but once she gets a good guy, she is going to hold on to him like the last lifeboat out of Titanic.

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But jokes aside, this feeling of desperation is nothing new... I have gone though all those...sensation of helplessness, when God seems so far far away... I constantly rush God, questioning Him why others get boyfriends so easily yet no one seems to take notice of me... Am I that unattractive? So unwanted? But He showed me a valuable lesson, in a hard way, in expense of my best friend.... My later part of secondary years with her was spent more often than not watching her breaking up, coupling with another guy and then breaking up all over again. I could only watch helplessly each time she throw herself into another emotional roller coaster, wishing I can do anything to help her but.... deep in my heart knowing I could do nothing except to be there whenever she need someone to confide in. And it really broke my heart seeing her so sad. Yet her experiences make me comprehend that this fulfillment born out of desperation, was only a short-term gratification. The feeling of anxious and despair it caused could only lead us to do things without thinking of long term consequences. And trick us into making bad decision - that if we don’t act now, we will never have another chance. By the time we realize the truth, we've lost months -maybe years- that we can never ever get back.

Sigh... My friend and I drifted apart now after graduation, and she recently broke up again. Only this time I wasn’t there for her. But she is a remarkable strong little girl, and I know God will always be at her side, watching over her in my place. She also shown the best way to cope with her problems – to confess and confide, to God or to friends. The Bible too tells us that two are better than one...for if one falls, the other can help him/her up. Friends often want to help, but sometimes they just don’t know what they can do. One not only have to be precise, but also humble enough to accept help. It is funny how amazingly understanding and considerate friends could be once you tell them what’s really going on in your life.

When one is feeling desperate, it's easy to believe that God has forgotten us. But nothing could be further from the truth. For you see, through all this time I realize when I was feeling helpless, that was the time God was closest to me.

Ugh.............

Warning: hateful post ahead...

Since last year I had the displeasure of being in close approximation with one of the most depressingly negative people I have ever met in my whole..entire..life. Let’s (plz put on ur glasses kuek kuek) call her Mimi.

Though I have known her since form 2, I never truly know her up to this day. Maybe because I find it a chore just to strike a conversation with her. Mimi has this knack of diverting the entire conversation to her favorite topic – Mimi... And any dialogue hereafter will be about “me, me, me”- Topic entitled: ‘What did I do today’, ‘What I feel’, ‘I think he likes me’, ‘I don’t like her/him’.... ~Oh could you please please pay attention to me?~... Gad, it is a torture trying to act attentive when all one want to do is reach out, shake the cookies out of her and tell her that the world do not revolve around her, so can she stop being a whinny pessimist, self-centered emo? It is pathetic to expect us to be all ears all the time to her blow-by-blow account of her sad, sad emotion about previous crush which she still can’t get over with... I mean, it is alright to feel down once in a while, and I am more than willing to lend a ear...but everyday?!? Listening how much you love/hate him? argh!! I could roast both of them alive!!!!!

Being a born talker, I despise people who rudely interrupt conversations and hogging the entire topic until you can’t even breath coz they won’t stop wagging their tongue. Unfortunately, Mimi is an expert in this field. Once she decides to chap in, you could hardly get a word edgewise (and you know how much I hate that). But then again, I don’t mind if she a least bit funny or amusing, at least you can still laugh and feel amused. But as I had stated up there, she will skillfully maneuver the subject to re: Me, myself and I....or else start condemning some poor soul and continue to talk and talk and talk....and talk. Most of the time I had quit the depressing talk out of sheer frustration. Man, how I long to ask her to shaddap and go away to sulk. But being emo, she’ll probably cry her eyes out and you’ll end up feeling like a worm.

Oh, she just makes me so, so mad.

In Mimi’s world, everything goes wrong for her, nothing ever goes right. Everything out there is a conspiracy to make her life even more miserable, including her dad. Personally I don’t like backstabbers, and listening to her criticizing her own father and how the whole family had turned their back to him render me... astounded. For goodness sake, he’s your father!! What kind of sick people forsaking their father just because he had retired and taken up drinking? Have you forgotten all that he had done for you? And isn’t that a sign you shouldn’t you pay more attention to him? Let him feel loved instead? But....I’m being judgmental. I do not know the whole situation, so it is not for me to pass comments. But being brought up thinking highly of dads, I can never get over people who condemn their father who susah-payah brought them up, like Mimi. To me, it’ll simply makes them look....cheap.

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Dear Mimi, I just wish....
I can tell you to stop finding faults, stop judging. Everything happens for a reason, for a purpose. What matters is not how evil your dad, or what people think of you. Instead, what matter most is your demeanor and thoughts towards life. Our greatest enemy is not others, but ourselves. Everything you do, everybody you touched, if you just put in a little more love, a little more cheer, it could lead you to a positive tomorrow... So what if you know who-and-who, or many guys are interested in you but you are not interested? You may become the PM’s wife I still won’t envy you, I will merely....pity you.
This is what I really think about you. How I wish you can read this post of mine.